Mag and Pat's On-line Show

Brother in Law · Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 4:56 pm Post subject: Medical Shorties

So many jokes arise out of medicine of one sort or another. Here are some quick ones to make you groan:

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Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
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Question: What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon
Answer: God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.
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Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.
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Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
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Doctor to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm afraid you're not quite as sick as we'd hoped."
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Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.
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Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...
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Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: 90.00RM.
Patient: 90.00RM for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
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A man goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
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Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
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Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten ringgit?
Nurse: No change yet.
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Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
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Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid IDIOT!!!!!
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Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
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Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
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Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
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Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
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Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
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Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.
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Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
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Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
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Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
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Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
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Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!
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Doctor: Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr. Sozzle?
Mr. Sozzle: No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a bar!
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Bill: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!
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Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz: But I'm the examiner!
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Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
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Doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed
"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."
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Doctor: I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.
Patient: In that case I'll come back when you're sober
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An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
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"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam." To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two tents." (Too tense, get it? Smile

)
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Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.
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Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
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Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're it.
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Question: What has thick glasses and a wet nose?
Answer: A Shortsighted gynecologist!
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Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
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Patient: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.
Friend: And did he?
Patient: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.
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Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?
Doctor: You sure will.
Patient: That's great! I never could read before.
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Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
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Mr. Brown: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Mr. Green: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Mr. Brown: No, only spots.
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A woman tells her doctor " I want a hysterectomy."
The doctor asks " Why Mrs. Koslowski, you're 77 years old?"
She tells him " I don't want any grandchildren."
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Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don't do that.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb really has to want to change.
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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_________________
Cheers,

Martin
Pat's brother-in-law